This is for all the single, married, divorced,widowed individuals, who take life for granted. Please,read this story until the end, it is such an opener.
You never Know.........................!
You never Know.........................!
Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of askingMother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining yearswith us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young.Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide forhim, see him through to a university degree. You could say that shesuffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman tobring hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and startedpacking the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let herenjoy the sunshine and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room,and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. AsI begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby istall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the feelingthat he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets.Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he wouldpick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender andbeg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. Forexample; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, shecould not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you youngpeople spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eatflowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our moodwill also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubbysmiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use toit."
Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever camehome with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her andshe would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I comehome with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item howmuch they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even moreupset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You littlefool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."
There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.
Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast.In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At thebreakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark cloudsbefore a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would useher chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.
As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted fromalong day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of thatadditional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned adeaf ear to all the protest mother makes. From time to time, motherwould help out with some housework, but soon her help created additionalwork for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bagsaccumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in ourhouse being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dishwashing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurther feelings, I would quietly wash them again.
One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and"Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room.Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did notspeak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child,tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and askedhim: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you justgive in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl howeverunclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time,mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkwardfeeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby wascaught in dilemma as to who to please.
In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother tookon the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without anyprompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happilyeating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for havingfailed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfastsituation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. Thatnight, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is itbecause you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chosenot to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone intears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubbysighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am leftwith no choice but to return to the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt asudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing upmy throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. Ithrew down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everythingout. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumblingvery loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorwaystaring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but nowords came out of it, I really did not mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, thenstood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a finalstare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days,hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious,since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her,what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feelingto throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with allthe events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life.
Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and seea doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a senseof sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby,and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibilityof this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw myhubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he lookedhaggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and myheart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed myvoice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; hehas that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. Itold myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment,I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I amhaving your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circlesof joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tearsstarted rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the testof one fight?
Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgustedlook in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night,sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and Isaw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. Istared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book andsome money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me forgood. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. Igave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The nextday, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a goodtalk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weirdlook and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now inthe hospital."
I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I foundhubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, hisface was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin faceand I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could thishappen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me,with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to findout brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, aftermother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop,apparently intending to go back to her old house back in thecountryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as shetried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...I finallyunderstood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up thatmorning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am indirectlythe killer of his mother.
Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strongliquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pityand could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that weare going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look inhis eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell backin. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thoroughscolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubbycame home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we wereliving together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like thedead knot in his heart.
One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glasswindow, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he verylightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. Afterrecovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood infront of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I havenothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girllooked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubbystretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me,challengingme. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at thebrink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stoodthat any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me. Thatnight, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way toindicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other.
He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned homefrom work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he hadreturned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; theinitial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; Igo for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again everytime I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physicalexamination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting thebaby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby,perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death. One day,I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole housewas filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was thispiece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it.In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to findpeace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You waita while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, justlike mine.
As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, youcannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears comeout from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at mybulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled thepaper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my nameon it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Sincemother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could notcontrol my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes,but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat,facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet theblanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even ifI sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times herepeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgivehim, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl,that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawnsuch deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; forhim, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment ofreconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone foreverand could not repeated.
Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring somewarmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eatanything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and Istopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper,marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will tryto come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to theliving room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night,from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. Thisused to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fakeillness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, hewould then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I caredfor him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is therebetween us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but Icontinuously ignored him.
Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products,children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of itstacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use thisto reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has nochoice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away onhis computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but noneof that matters to me anymore. It was sometime towards the end of springin the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a suddenstomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did notchange and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried meand ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly andkept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to thehospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried intothe delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, athought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else wouldlove me as much as he did?
He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyescaused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Comingout of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear withjoy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubbylooked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. Icried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tiredeyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him,but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through mybody at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered hehad liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miraclethat he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he firstdiscovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled mesaying: "Prepare for his funeral."
I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into hisroom and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hitsme. Hubby'scancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I hadthought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote forour son:"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at youbefore I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, youwill have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I canaccompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddynow no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all thepossible difficulties and problems you may encounter during yourlifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy'ssuggestion....
Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I haveaccompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy.Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you mostand also the one who loves me most..." From play school to primaryschool, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing withquestions of love, everything big and small was written there.
Hubby has also written a letter for me:
"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the painI have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because Iwant to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of ourbaby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and Iwould smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid Icannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give someof them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are allwritten on the packaging... "
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our sonover and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I wantour son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled toopen his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms washappily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on thecamera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowlyrolled down my face.... A fatal misunderstanding and the person wholoves me the most in this world is gone forever..."Cruelmisunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps toour family. Our originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet andpeaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong asdestiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became toolate."........
This is a true story.LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!!